vent

Or when the Moon was overhead,

Came two young lovers lately wed.

"I am half sick of shadows," said

The Lady of Shalott.

somethings can't be fixed. that statement hit me hard. because that's all i've been trying to do. i love this boy so much and i want to fix things to how they were in the past; perfect. but that's just the thing, i'm in love with the boy from the past. he's different now, and it seems no matter what i do i can't get him back. no matter how hard i try reassuring him that everything's alright. i know i fucked up in the past. and i regret it every moment that things aren't the same between us. which is always. & it seems like me constantly trying to make things right isn't doing a thing for him. cuz here he is leaving me out in the cold again.

how can you say you love someone and then chose not to call them? i'm not with that 'need space' bullshit. it's either you wanna work it out or you don't. if he doesn't then he should just say so. instead of keeping my nerves racked to the point where it's so hard to fall asleep because a thousand thoughts are racing through my mind.

did i do/say something wrong to make him do this? why isn't he there, why can't he just answer. i miss him so much. i fucking hate him so much. but i love him so fucking much. is there someone else in his head... is that why it doesn't feel the same when we tried working it out, why i still felt like he was distant? like how far away two stars are from each other. why doesn't he love me anymore? aren't my tears proof enough for him that i love him so much? he's not worth me stressing over like this, because if he was, he wouldn't make me feel like this. i wish i had a boy who made me feel amazing. kind of like how he used to.

if he wanted to work it out then he should have tried to put everything aside. aka the past. i know its difficult... extremely fucking difficult. but you can't push away someone if you say you want to make it right again.

and whenever i tell him how i feel. he just gets angry at me.

yeah because i'm in the wrong. fuck me for trying to save us.

he always manages to put it back on me like it's my fault.

i wish he didn't take me for granted. that he cherished me. that he was there for me. he was my best friend. not only my boyfriend. i never met anyone who i could be that close to & be totally my self with. but i lost all of that. probably because i took him for granted in the first place. yet i'm able to say that here i am trying to make things better. where is he? the sun still manages to shine after a storm.

yet if he choses to let everything go i want him to know something. i can move on too. i can find someone who will jump at the opportunity to be with me. why wouldn't they? i'm smart, beautiful, and i can be an amazing girlfriend. that makes me sound conceited, but it's more of an affirmation of my all of my worth. because recently, i have too often watched my worth go down the drain by giving all i have to someone who keeps pushing me the fuck away. so just so he knows, i'm young. meaning i have so many more years to experience things. if that involves being with someone else then so be it. i won't sit around crying about him all day if that's how he's going to treat me.

but i want him to know one more thing. i will never forget that boy. he'll always be my first love. i'll never forget everything that we had, all the memories and moments. it was all worth it.

but that's just what it is, memories. and i'm sick of holding on to them so much.